by Dee Putri
I used to watch TV with my dad when I was a kid. I saw a lot of assault on the news, especially the noon news. There were a lot of crimes on the news at the time–it felt like TV only showed rape, thievery, kidnapping and murder. My dad didn’t really explain me what was happening; I just watched it. I always felt terrible after watching it. I didn’t want to watch, but what could I do? Watching TV together was a ritual we did back then, it was our “family time,” and my dad was the one who hold the remote so I had no choice. I became so paranoid. I was afraid that someone was going to rape me, kidnap me or even murder me, but I never really talked to my dad about it.
Nowadays this kind of noon news is mostly gone. TV news criticizes the government instead. (Almost channels are owned by politicians here in Indonesia. Years ago, we couldn’t criticize the government here, especially when Soeharto was the president. The media in Indonesia was controlled, and journalists were intimidated, jailed or even killed for contradicting the official line.) Not long ago, though, the media here in Indonesia started talking about rape again, after an 11 year old girl was raped on public transportation and later died. This was following the events in India, which also got lots of highlights.
But I still never talk about rape or rape culture with my dad. I don’t know how to—it feels so hard to even start. In our culture, talking
about sex is taboo. Really taboo. We don’t even really have sex education here. When a friend of mine was 20, her mom give her a copy of Cosmo so she could learn about sex from there. It goes that far. I think my dad’s parents never talked to him about this either, so I can understand why a conversation about sex might never happen between me and my dad. Besides, almost all Indonesians are Muslim and we’re taught that sex before marriage is a sin in Islam. Parents here tend to believe that their children are “good” children; they just believe that their kids would never do anything bad, so they don’t talk about it. Parents don’t believe that their child could ever rape–but they could be wrong. We’ll never address these issues if we never talk about them. But at the same time, I feel like if I did try talk to my dad about rape culture, he would worry about me too much. He’d prohibit me from going out late or at all and make me stay home instead. He’d limit my freedom.
I asked some of my friends if they had similar experiences. Did they talk about rape culture with their dads? The answer was always NO. Toni* told me that he never ever talked about these things with his parents because it’s too awkward. He doesn’t really talk about sex with his dad at all; he said that there is a gap between dad and son. The first time Toni told his dad that he liked a girl, his dad’s response was, “Oh kiddo, I thought you were gay.” He hasn’t talked about anything about sex or relationships with his father since then. Claudia* told me that she never talks about this stuff with with her father, but she sometimes does with her mom. Lisa*, Tina*, Tera* and Maria never talk about sex–consensual or not–with their parents.
But my friends and I do talk about it. When I talk about assault or rape culture with my girl friends, we always talk about the same thing: how sad we are for the victim, how we can’t believe it happened to them, and how maybe we could be the victim next. Lisa told me that how we dress could put us in danger of assault. Oh man, this pissed me off! It makes me crazily angry. Fauzi Bowo (the previous governor at DKI Jakarta, Indonesia) blamed women who wear short skirt in public transportation. Also, in his “fit and proper” test as a candidate of Hakim Agung, when asked about capital punishment for rapists, M. Daming Sunusi answered that rape is “equally enjoyed” by perpetrators and victims.” This is awful, and it’s all tied together.
Society—those men on TV! Those government candidates!–makes us believe that victims are to blame. But this is secondary victimization. But really, rapists look for victims they perceive as vulnerable, not women who dress in a particular way. Rapists are accountable for their actions, not victims.
Nowadays we can learn everything we want to learn from the Internet, from blogs and zines and communities. It’s our choice which things we learn and talk about, whether or not our parents are involved. When we talk about assault, we should know that it wasn’t the victim’s fault, no matter how she dressed or how late at night she was out. Often when my friends and I talk about rape culture, we get stuck on victim blaming and get angry and stop. But why don’t we take action instead? Why don’t we talk about how creating an anti-rape culture? Let’s talk about how assault is never okay. Let’s talk about how to stop it. It would be so great to see all of you—all of us— take part in this anti-rape culture. It’s happening already, from “don’t be that guy” campaigns to our #EducateCoaches petition. Let’s all become part of it. Let’s talk about it. Let’s do it together.